Put an end to violence

Today I took one of my dogs for a bushwalk. Something I have done plenty over the last 15 years is walk my dog alone.

Today was different. Actually not even just today, this feeling of difference has been creeping up for a number of years now.

I feel nervous, anxious, paranoid when I walk alone. The car that drives past - I notice that it's a white early 90's Ford driven by P plater with wild brown hair. The second time it drives past I am looking at the number plate frantically trying to memorise it while placing my finger on the button to call on Siri to phone - my husband, 000, anyone.

Over my life time I have often been alone. In my house, walking to school, work or a friends house, or at work.

Now I have to wonder "Am I safe?", "Do I have an escape plan?"... I shouldn't have to feel this way. I refuse to be victimised by what is happening around the world yet it would seem the reality is that in part I can no longer sit by thinking that the world is not out to get me. I refuse to believe that it is at the same time knowing that maybe I am not safe. Now I have a knowing that I cannot account for the people who do not behave in an expected and civilised manner. People do exist that hurt us, murder us.

Violence against women is nothing new, but it's certainly in the news at the moment. Today we hear, only three and a half months into the year, that around 30 women have already been violently murdered. Women going about their daily lives, as they should, many never imagining the heinous acts that would happen to them that would take their lives.

Stephanie Scott
Jill Meagher
Masa Vukotic
Prabha Arun Kumar

These women are just the high profile ones. There are so many more. Stephanie was just at work, being conscientious and setting up for her replacement while she was on leave for her honeymoon. Masa and Prabha simply walking through a park. Jill walking home from a night home with friends.

I, like so many others, am left feeling helpless. Not that one day I may be murdered by someone unexpected or known, but that there is absolutely no way of knowing who may perpetrate such a crime. No way of knowing when, where or who may strike a fatal blow.

The only thing I can do is try and be prepared. Be alert to danger, have my phone on me and charged. Perhaps most importantly get the word out there that this is unacceptable. I will not stand for this violence to continue.

I have, and will continue, to instill into my son the values that all people should be treated with respect at all times. That violence is unacceptable. To have other peoples backs, to look out for one another. To not force himself onto another. And I will work to recognise that if I have failed, or something sinister should flag my suspicions about him, or anyone, I will speak up. Seek help.

No more violence, no more people injured, made to feel unsafe, lives taken.

Not on my watch.

Credits:
Destroy the Joint
ABC news
Jill Meagher
The Guardian - Rosie Batty's campaign to end violence
 http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/apr/10/daughter-asks-what-is-rape-news-parenting

Why hello there, Writer!

Wow, so it has been a while. Since October in fact.

I think I haven't really felt the urge to blog since then. I certainly never wanted to push a post out, or to feel obliged and just ring it in.

But I'm feeling the urge now. In part it's my old friend procrasti-writing. Writing a blog rather than an essay. It is also more than that though, it's a writing workout because the words aren't coming to me as easy as they have been over the last six months. I need a jolt. Or some tight construing.

It occurs to me as I'm writing this that I am much more comfortable with Uni, and writing in general. I have accepted that sometimes my 'process' means that I sit looking at the screen, do some half hearted exercise or even clean the house. It all forms part of what makes me my time of writer.

I would absolutely love it if the writing came easy every single time but it doesn't. The most startling thing is although I still overthink it I am doing it much less. Or much smarter, with more understanding.

What a great place to be. Which in itself is a good thing. I have been applying for jobs for next year. (Eek, I hope to graduate this year, one semester early!) I'm starting to feel work ready, and I understand that even being work ready I'm still in the learning role. 

Being in the learning role is AMAZING, and exciting. It means that I'm still growing, gaining skill, getting better.

I can't wait.

The art of bargaining

Right now I am deep in essay writing territory.  For the last few weeks of semester I've been tallying the amount of words I need to write, the huge number that tells where I am at greater than saying 5 assignments.....four assignments....

More like 6500 words...5500 words....

At one point I was convinced I was going to have to ask for an extension on at least one essay.  I had two weeks and 6500 words to go.  With research.  Not possible.

More recalculating.  Then I figured it out.  I could do this.  I had plenty of time.  Then Boom!  Bam! Two assignments down, 2500 words spent, two essays to go at 3000 words total.  I've got this!

And then the research.  Then writing.  I told myself - 400 words a day, that's a great amount, leaves me plenty of time to polish and edit.  First day I wrote 300ish. 

So began the bargaining.  If I do this today, then tomorrow....still plenty of time...no time...calm down, plenty of time....

Of course what has actually happened is I spend so much time thinking about what I need to do, i.e. the number of words I need to write down, it blocks my concentration, making the research not sink in.  Cue more bargaining.

But I still have enough time.  6 days.  Two assignments.  2000 words.  We can do this, brain.  Calm down.

Labels

Labels. We sure like labels. You know what I mean? What we call ourselves and each other. I am a wife, a mother,  a student and a bucket load of other things. I am all of them, yet I am none of them. Why? Because they are just words, and words may label me but they don't define me. There aren't enough words and phrases to just sum me up in a nice neat little package. 

There is an amount of weight behind these labels, a value that we place on them. Being a mother is one thing, then there are stay at home mums and working mums. Each of these things has a different weight. They are valued differently depending on who you are talking to, the situation you are in. 

Why do we label?  In a way it helps us organise our little world, and that's not always a bad thing. It becomes a bad thing when we value labels differently, or less than we should. You're a stay at home mum? Don't you care about yourself/house/family enough to work? You're a working mum? Don't you car about you family/kids/house enough and stay at home to do everything?

See what I mean?

In the end the label doesn't really matter. We are all of the labels and none of the labels. Not words but people, and all of it counts.

All worked up

I've been feeling pretty worked up over the last week- I have essay deadlines looming and a brain that didn't really want to be productive. 

The bare minimum got me through without feeling like I'd done nothing, but left me feeling uneasy. So I calculated. I figured out an estimation of time for each essay, how many days left minus my lectures and I felt better. 

That was until I didn't. Feel better that is- I woke up two days ago with a cold. Gah! Amazingly day one and two were quite productive thanks to the reading is done last week (maybe it wasn't really bare minimum after all?) but today has been a big fat wipeout. No work was done due to feeling really crappy. 

So no the pressure is really on, but it leaves me with the question- which is better for my mental well being? 1) letting myself be sick in order to recuperate quicker, then work my fingers to the bone and my brain to breaking point to get an A. 2) work while sick so I don't feel 'behind' 3) be sick, and get what I can done, and if the mark is less than usual accept it and move on. 

I have no idea, but it is what it is- I like to get good marks...but...well I'll be okay either way, won't I?!

Wait, no overthinking?

Well, I'll be! I actually had a full weekend of no overthinking, I trust myself, I can do stuff thinking!

The liberation!

I spent the weekend at the Bendigo  Writers Festival, an amazing weekend of learning from talented successful people. And would you believe that I felt at home? Huh!

I am still buzzing from the advice, excitement, the learning and ideas. I felt like I had tapped into this piece of myself that I had forgotten was there.  I know it was always there because I recognised it like an old friend when I saw and felt it.

I had a number of moments of clarity, and an idea that formed. This idea is like the seed of a tree, only I don't know how large this tree will grow. I do know that the seed has been there for many years, and now the conditions are just right and it has germinated. In fact I can actually see it growing, poking up through the organic earth.  This seed wants to grow and grow, and I need to feed it. 

I can't wait to watch my tree grow, to see its beautiful form, it's textures and the sounds it makes, to see how large it grows, what the canopy looks like, whether it will have dappled light come through it, or be open to allow the full blazing sun.

My idea is already more than an idea, it is a being. It is. 

Photo: Sarah Fallon

When opportunity knocks...

That is the time for me to go into overdrive on the overthinking meltdowns.  Recently I was given the opportunity to get ahead in writing for a subject, which would be used by a festival for promotion on blogs and the like.  Exciting.  So off I went to arrange interviews for this writing.. And they all fell through.  I was a little frustrated, thinking that my opportunity to write, and contribute, was lost.

Then, the call came through, they've been busy, but they still want me, so hey girl, come to a meeting meet ALL the people, write an article.  For the local paper.  What an opportunity!  Write a real life article for real life print.  That people actually read.  This was even better than the original plan.  Sometimes things just work out, right?

So of course, the initial excitement wears off and I am left with the feelings.  Of doubt, of fear, of total freaking out.   Oh seriously, I have some stupid issues.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful and still excited about this opportunity.  I will channel all these feelings, front up to this meeting and take it all in, and attempt to write the hell out of this article.  If people are going to be really seeing this little baby in their hands then I need to step up.  After all, how often does this kind of opportunity just fall into your lap?  People work their bums off for years to get published.

I'll let you know how I go, no doubt there is some more overthinking to be done twixt now and then, in the meantime this is my blog for the Bendigo Writers Festival that all this fuss is about, so check that out too. 

Falling into place

If there is one big lesson I have learnt as I age is that sometimes the pieces just fall into place. And sometimes your place changes, which is okay too. I am talking of that moment when you realise the here and now is exactly where you need to be, everything feels just right. I am experiencing that now and it feels fantastic. I love how, even though the here and now still has challenges, it still feels like it's right. 

I have been in the place where nothing seems to go as planned and there is a lingering feeling of...off kilter is probably the best way to describe it. That's the point where we make changes, make those decisions that have been sitting there in the back of your mind, in wait for bravery. For the pieces to fit. 

Sometimes it still doesn't work out, that's okay. I have a saying that you always make the right decision at the time. After all it often leads to the next big change, a decision made that leads to the puzzle working again. 

So if it doesn't feel right take a chance, make those scary decisions and you never know, things just may perfectly fall into place. 

Oh the...haven't we been here before?

Here we go again. Caught myself at it again yesterday. It would seem I cannot help myself.  The overthinking! I received a mark back yesterday for an essay, and it was good.  An A, and I got some fabulous comments back.  "Your critical perspective...has created an excellent essay.  I really enjoyed your piece" amongst other smile inducing comments. I loved it. So what's the problem? It's a 'first world, A grade student' problem. Honestly I felt that the mark didn't reflect the comments. I wanted a higher A. 

What is wrong with me?  I, of course, analysed this all evening, debating on whether I should have it looked at, to chase those couple of extra points...  I had to ask myself "does this, will this, really even matter?"  Well of course no. And yes. It doesn't matter, I have the A, and that's what will show, not the numbers, so it really is enough. I can't help wanting those extra points- I know that I wrote an excellent essay, and I knew that I would get an A as I handed it in, it felt right.

Lightbulb moment.  There it was.  I have gained confidence, belief in myself.  I can write! Better still I can darn well recognise when my work is good, and not so good.  If I take nothing else from this bout, it is that recognition.  I wrote an excellent essay and knew it.  Huh, sounds weird, but going into second year knowing this can only help my writing. And that's worth an imaginary A too.

Procrasti-writing

I read this term this week and it sums up exactly what I do with this blog.  Writing something 'fun' instead of what you are meant to be writing.  I really do wish that I had coined that term, it's a good one!

This morning I had decided to let this blog go - it has served its purpose, there was no need to continue.  Fast forward to this afternoon, and I catch myself in major overthinking mode - and here we are procrasti-writing.

I am writing a "feature article" after interviewing a talented local journalist and author.  I enjoyed talking to her and I feel that I got some great material during the interview, too much really.  Over the last couple of days I have laboured over this article, getting up to the word count today.  In its rough first draft form I shoot it of to my trusty proof readers to see if I am on the right track... Gah!  No angle is the stern reply!  And they are totally right - they put their finger on exactly what I was struggling with.

So here I am reading over what I have written, and what I have to draw from, trying to finalise my angle.  And instead of just getting on with it I am beating myself up with thoughts like "What was I thinking?"  "I can't write" "FOOL!"  Gah!  The overthinking!!

Is this the end?

Well, that's it last class done, the blogging assessment in. So here I have been contemplating what to do with this blog now. Continue? Finish it? It was for a purpose and that is done with. I have enjoyed it though, and I think it's helping with developing a writing style (for this blog at least).

 So what if no one reads it? Well that's not exactly right, because I think I do want people to check in and read a piece of me. Maybe someone will stumble across my little mutterings and musings as a mature age uni student, and find a little relief, or a moment of recognition in their own overthinking process. 

And with any luck I will actually stop overthinking, and move on to those witty blogs I was going on about!

Writing exercise - Speech

In the words of Rick Astley – Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.  Why these words?  Because as first year students we so often are faced with fight or flight.  We are pushed and pulled in so many directions that giving up can seem like the best thing to do.  As a mature age student I don’t only have the pressures from uni, but there’s also the demands of my home life.  Sometimes I want to give up because there are not enough hours in the day.  Sometimes I want to give up because I have 3 x 1500 word essays due in one week, and there is dog hair on the floor, and dishes on the bench, and meals to cook, and lectures to go to.  There ARE things that keep me going though.  I go to my lectures to hear opinions that I may otherwise not be exposed to.  I do my essays, because I have to, but hey, I learn something along the way.  And as for the “at home” side of life - well we, my family, just lower our standards of cleanliness for the 3 months of semester.  Because you know what – each semester is such a short period of time that comes and goes so quickly.  At the end of each of those three months I have learnt something new, and it gives me hope for the future, each subject giving me a new skill or two to add to “future me”, and our “future family”.  It’s for all of us that I never give up, because they are never gonna give up on me.

Week 11 - writing for video

Creative concept:

Video against procrastination – images showing clutter versus clarity, showing typical modern distracting tools when studying, moving to a model student then enjoying life after completing work.  Soundtrack is Procrastination, by Alex Lewis.  The key message is: don’t procrastinate, life is better when you concentrate on tasks at hand rather than allowing distractions like social media and catching up with friends to get in the way – all of these things will be waiting to enjoy once the task is completed.  The slogan is Don’t get distracted – Just act.

Narration Deadlines looming, yet you are still letting yourself get distracted?   It is easy, isn't it, with it all there at your fingertips.   Social media - you are posting about how much study you need to do, instead of doing it   Pinning anti procrastination memes?   Can't say no to coffee dates?   Leisurely lunches with your girlfriends?   How many times have you washed your hair this week?       Don't do it - Just do it   Finish that essay, life will still be there, better than before   Don't exchange one screen for another, you can eat at your desk, your hair is clean enough       Don't get distracted - just act

Visuals Person sitting at desk overflowing with books etc., looking flustered    Facebook    Instagram    Pinterest    Twitter   Coffee    Restaurant scene    Steamy shower    Clock Ticking (all fast images, rotating)   Computer screen, books Sunny skies, happy people, cycling, playing Frisbee, walking dog   Person shutting phone off/putting away   Sitting at desk looking smart Participating in one of the fun activities Don't get distracted - just act (Slower pace) (fade out all except act)

A reflection

Near the end of semester and I can honestly and delightfully say that my class on writing has changed me. It has changed not only how I write, but how I look at writing.  I'm not going to say that I find the process always simple now (there is still all the overthinking after all), but I certainly find it easier and clearer than it was.  The editing process - ruthless.  If nothing else I have become at least better at writing, and the process of editing, than I began.  It has helped, not only in this class, but others, and in my communication in general.  And my confidence!

I am so surprised at myself, for the ease in which I now post, and for actually enjoying this.  There is a part of me that kind of doesn't want to stop.  There is something liberating about this blog, in writing down what I am doing and thinking, in making links from classes to life, having a tongue in cheek laugh at myself, and allowing some seriousness too.  Of course I don't have a wide audience beyond my class following...Oh well, I really have enjoyed it.

Perhaps I have enjoyed it too much.  I have blogged a lot, so many posts.  Which is fine, except I now have to choose my 'best' work for assessment.  There are so many that I am not sure where to start.  Some I can cross off the list fairly easily, they were a bit of fun, not meant to be examples of good writing.  So I have been browsing through, trying to fit criteria, or a formula for the 'best' posts. 

It is fitting at this point to admit that I am totally overthinking this process, doubting that any even fit the criteria.  Trying to predict which my lovely lecturer (suck, suck, lol) will like.  I have picked two at least (I think?).  I will get there.  I am overthinking a little less too....

A confession

Hi, my name is Sarah and I like to write BUT I do not like people to read and judge my writing. What a sensitive Sally. Writing this blog has helped this tremendously. What made me so nervous writing the first blog doesn't bother me quite so much now. And I'm working on sharing my other writing too, letting go enough to let others 'proof read' for me. This is because if writing becomes a serious vocation for me there is absolutely no value to being scared of putting it all out there.

I'm finding that in a weird twisted way it's like having a baby. A writing baby if you will. Once you've been in hospital giving birth and you've had a conveyer belt of staff looking at your nether regions you almost get to the point of "who's looking at my bits today? Have you seen them yet? Let's have a look then". Getting (letting) people to read my work has been a bit like that.

My bravest moment was getting my closest non uni friend to read my work. I was so scared, I put it off for weeks- then I ripped of the bandaid and asked her to take a look. "Read this for a laugh" I said jokingly, but I secretly wanted her to like it at least a little bit. And she's features in some posts as well, which made it more nerve wracking. Thank god she was nice about it ;)

So, I am hoping to turn this into "Hi, I'm Sarah.  Would you like to see what I am working on right now?"

Little snippets

Back in my last life (read pre-uni) I was a dental nurse. I was at a surgery that now seems quite old school. We did things in an old fashioned way. A large part of my chair side job was bringing patients into the room, setting them up in the chair, and chatting with them until the dentist came in. When I first started I thought the reason I was tasked with this was so my boss could make a grand entrance. Over time I discovered what I actually was doing was building a rapport with the patient, forming a relationship with them. It was such a valuable tool, I was able to learn things that they may not mention to the dentist (although he was very good at doing this). It gave me a tool for excellent communication. I was able to translate dentist speak, tailoring it to the patient so they could understand, and also communicate back to the dentist their needs. It also helped me advocate for the patient when I felt they needed it

The upcoming interview I have with a strategic communicator has me revisiting this time at the moment. I have spent a lot of time thinking about some of the amazing and at times heart breaking stories I would be so privileged to hear sitting next to that chair. You see we didn't just talk dental talk. We formed real relationships where nothing was off limits. I was able to hear little snippets into peoples lives that you don't ordinarily get to hear about, from a diverse group of people. I learnt of families ups and downs, of life in the boardroom, wonderful travel stories, some heartbreaking wartime stories. What a privilege. I remember thinking at the time that I would always love to hear more, and that I would love to write them down. 

I am a little nervous about interviewing someone formally, but I am trying to remember that actually I have done this thousands of times before, and to toot my own horn (which I rarely do) I am good at this. (Thanks TC for giving me this amazing gift of learning to really listen to people). 

I hope I can do my interviewees little snippets justice, and I am really looking forward to listening to them. 

It's all about perspective

My first sociology class last semester contained this statement so much I thought I might scream.  Perspective!  How we look at things depends on where we stand.  Righto then.

It is true though, how we look at others, at ourselves, at situations all depends on what side of the fence we are on, how we have seen things in the past.  Perspective can be difficult to keep in check too.  I mean that sometimes we are so clouded by our own perspective that we don't look at it from others.  It seems like a pretty normal thing to do, after all we have all done it at one time or another.  It can be detrimental to only look at things one sided, and although I often forget this I was reminded of this fact this week.

Thanks to those who have reminded me in many different ways to keep looking, to keep things in perspective, but to remember there are others.

So my tip for this week is to take a step back, get a wider view, you might be surprised by what you see. 

Friends have special privileges

Now don't get carried away- not those privileges! I'm talking of the special rights that comes with friendship. Friends get to say things that would be inappropriate or not okay for most people to say. They get to tell you when to pull your head in without reprimand, to tell you your dress looks hideous or you didn't blend your foundation that's probably the wrong shade anyway. In return you can tell them they overstepped the line with that comment, and laugh and cry on their shoulders when the need arises.  Friendship is a special place.

I don't think I am always good at friendships- sometimes I am not sure what kind of friends we are, not sure whether I can call us close friends or whether it should be just acquaintances, and as a result I tend to stand back and wait for the other person to make the moves. 

Friendships are very much like romantic relationships, without all the romantic bits. You meet with someone, and sometimes it's bam! A connection. Or it could be a slow getting to know you. However it works a friendship is a thing that develops and changes over time, hopefully for the better. Like relationships though, sometimes things don't always work out, sometimes you 'break up'. 

 I went through a stage a couple of years ago where I had break ups with friends. It just wasn't working anymore, (it's not you it's me? Vice versa?) and we broke up. One was an explosive breakup. One just a fade out, but in the end those relationships had run their course.

I have some amazing friends to be grateful for though.  Some have been in my life for many many years. Those friends that are like old slippers. We may go long periods without seeing each other, or have times where we see each other everyday, but it is never hard work.  Some are new, our relationships still solidifying, but I can see they are going to be in my life for a long time, because they tick the boxes.

And they have the privileges of above, but mostly I think I have the best part- I have the privilege of have some amazing strong women (and some men) as friends.

Oh, I've changed

I have changed.  One of my majors that is.  It was a little confronting, but really not surprising.  I came into uni with the goal of self improvement and upskilling but without any parametres.  That is I had no clear idea of what I really wanted out of it, where I expected to go, what I wanted to do "When I grew up".  I rationalised this by thinking that I was being flexible, because life happens, and having a rigid idea of a career would not serve me well.  I thought that I would maybe apply for public service roles, in a graduate generalist program perhaps.  Not very exciting, or perhaps even realistic.  I needed some more focus.

I have always envied people who have it all together, with a well defined idea of where they want to go in life.  On the flip side, I feel sorry for those people when they don't have flexibility in those thoughts, or are so narrowly focused that they miss out on other opportunites.  Still, I envy that they know what they are doing and how to go about it.  I think fear in part is what holds me back from thinking this way.  Fear of rejection, or not living up to expectations - my own or others.

Anyway, I applied with uni with this flexible idea, and basically chose my major by most interesting subjects.  Sometmimes I would have a giggle to myself that perhaps it was an odd choice of major, a little left of field for my personality.  Those thoughts started to  occupy my headspace- and when I really considered a narrow focus into that field,  I realised that it might not be the best fit.  Not a bad or wrong fit, just not the best.  I am still interested in learning about those subjects, but I don't think that as a career it would be the most successful one.

So here I am.  I have changed.  I am still thinking flexibly, but I have definately got more focus.  I think this is a better fit, and I am already thinking of ways I can make this work - places and people I can go to gain experience, mentoring and the like.

I have changed, and I am excited.

It has come to my attention....

.....That I get very fired up.  About little things.  About big things.  About nothing things sometimes.  I like to call it passion.  I like to debate -  I like to have opinions and views that are a little different, it gives us something to talk about.

Maybe I get too fired up sometimes though, and I will concede that at times I do come on a bit strong.  You know what though - call me out, have a debate, you never know what interesting conversations can develop from a good discussion!

I don't view myself as been in your face passionate about things either, and I am able to keep opinions to myself where it is inappropriate to voice them.  I even try to 'keep a lid on' things, to be not too over the top.

 I just don't see it as a bad thing, and after all a little passion is exciting, right?