Oh the...haven't we been here before?

Here we go again. Caught myself at it again yesterday. It would seem I cannot help myself.  The overthinking! I received a mark back yesterday for an essay, and it was good.  An A, and I got some fabulous comments back.  "Your critical perspective...has created an excellent essay.  I really enjoyed your piece" amongst other smile inducing comments. I loved it. So what's the problem? It's a 'first world, A grade student' problem. Honestly I felt that the mark didn't reflect the comments. I wanted a higher A. 

What is wrong with me?  I, of course, analysed this all evening, debating on whether I should have it looked at, to chase those couple of extra points...  I had to ask myself "does this, will this, really even matter?"  Well of course no. And yes. It doesn't matter, I have the A, and that's what will show, not the numbers, so it really is enough. I can't help wanting those extra points- I know that I wrote an excellent essay, and I knew that I would get an A as I handed it in, it felt right.

Lightbulb moment.  There it was.  I have gained confidence, belief in myself.  I can write! Better still I can darn well recognise when my work is good, and not so good.  If I take nothing else from this bout, it is that recognition.  I wrote an excellent essay and knew it.  Huh, sounds weird, but going into second year knowing this can only help my writing. And that's worth an imaginary A too.

Procrasti-writing

I read this term this week and it sums up exactly what I do with this blog.  Writing something 'fun' instead of what you are meant to be writing.  I really do wish that I had coined that term, it's a good one!

This morning I had decided to let this blog go - it has served its purpose, there was no need to continue.  Fast forward to this afternoon, and I catch myself in major overthinking mode - and here we are procrasti-writing.

I am writing a "feature article" after interviewing a talented local journalist and author.  I enjoyed talking to her and I feel that I got some great material during the interview, too much really.  Over the last couple of days I have laboured over this article, getting up to the word count today.  In its rough first draft form I shoot it of to my trusty proof readers to see if I am on the right track... Gah!  No angle is the stern reply!  And they are totally right - they put their finger on exactly what I was struggling with.

So here I am reading over what I have written, and what I have to draw from, trying to finalise my angle.  And instead of just getting on with it I am beating myself up with thoughts like "What was I thinking?"  "I can't write" "FOOL!"  Gah!  The overthinking!!

Is this the end?

Well, that's it last class done, the blogging assessment in. So here I have been contemplating what to do with this blog now. Continue? Finish it? It was for a purpose and that is done with. I have enjoyed it though, and I think it's helping with developing a writing style (for this blog at least).

 So what if no one reads it? Well that's not exactly right, because I think I do want people to check in and read a piece of me. Maybe someone will stumble across my little mutterings and musings as a mature age uni student, and find a little relief, or a moment of recognition in their own overthinking process. 

And with any luck I will actually stop overthinking, and move on to those witty blogs I was going on about!

Writing exercise - Speech

In the words of Rick Astley – Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.  Why these words?  Because as first year students we so often are faced with fight or flight.  We are pushed and pulled in so many directions that giving up can seem like the best thing to do.  As a mature age student I don’t only have the pressures from uni, but there’s also the demands of my home life.  Sometimes I want to give up because there are not enough hours in the day.  Sometimes I want to give up because I have 3 x 1500 word essays due in one week, and there is dog hair on the floor, and dishes on the bench, and meals to cook, and lectures to go to.  There ARE things that keep me going though.  I go to my lectures to hear opinions that I may otherwise not be exposed to.  I do my essays, because I have to, but hey, I learn something along the way.  And as for the “at home” side of life - well we, my family, just lower our standards of cleanliness for the 3 months of semester.  Because you know what – each semester is such a short period of time that comes and goes so quickly.  At the end of each of those three months I have learnt something new, and it gives me hope for the future, each subject giving me a new skill or two to add to “future me”, and our “future family”.  It’s for all of us that I never give up, because they are never gonna give up on me.

Week 11 - writing for video

Creative concept:

Video against procrastination – images showing clutter versus clarity, showing typical modern distracting tools when studying, moving to a model student then enjoying life after completing work.  Soundtrack is Procrastination, by Alex Lewis.  The key message is: don’t procrastinate, life is better when you concentrate on tasks at hand rather than allowing distractions like social media and catching up with friends to get in the way – all of these things will be waiting to enjoy once the task is completed.  The slogan is Don’t get distracted – Just act.

Narration Deadlines looming, yet you are still letting yourself get distracted?   It is easy, isn't it, with it all there at your fingertips.   Social media - you are posting about how much study you need to do, instead of doing it   Pinning anti procrastination memes?   Can't say no to coffee dates?   Leisurely lunches with your girlfriends?   How many times have you washed your hair this week?       Don't do it - Just do it   Finish that essay, life will still be there, better than before   Don't exchange one screen for another, you can eat at your desk, your hair is clean enough       Don't get distracted - just act

Visuals Person sitting at desk overflowing with books etc., looking flustered    Facebook    Instagram    Pinterest    Twitter   Coffee    Restaurant scene    Steamy shower    Clock Ticking (all fast images, rotating)   Computer screen, books Sunny skies, happy people, cycling, playing Frisbee, walking dog   Person shutting phone off/putting away   Sitting at desk looking smart Participating in one of the fun activities Don't get distracted - just act (Slower pace) (fade out all except act)

A reflection

Near the end of semester and I can honestly and delightfully say that my class on writing has changed me. It has changed not only how I write, but how I look at writing.  I'm not going to say that I find the process always simple now (there is still all the overthinking after all), but I certainly find it easier and clearer than it was.  The editing process - ruthless.  If nothing else I have become at least better at writing, and the process of editing, than I began.  It has helped, not only in this class, but others, and in my communication in general.  And my confidence!

I am so surprised at myself, for the ease in which I now post, and for actually enjoying this.  There is a part of me that kind of doesn't want to stop.  There is something liberating about this blog, in writing down what I am doing and thinking, in making links from classes to life, having a tongue in cheek laugh at myself, and allowing some seriousness too.  Of course I don't have a wide audience beyond my class following...Oh well, I really have enjoyed it.

Perhaps I have enjoyed it too much.  I have blogged a lot, so many posts.  Which is fine, except I now have to choose my 'best' work for assessment.  There are so many that I am not sure where to start.  Some I can cross off the list fairly easily, they were a bit of fun, not meant to be examples of good writing.  So I have been browsing through, trying to fit criteria, or a formula for the 'best' posts. 

It is fitting at this point to admit that I am totally overthinking this process, doubting that any even fit the criteria.  Trying to predict which my lovely lecturer (suck, suck, lol) will like.  I have picked two at least (I think?).  I will get there.  I am overthinking a little less too....

A confession

Hi, my name is Sarah and I like to write BUT I do not like people to read and judge my writing. What a sensitive Sally. Writing this blog has helped this tremendously. What made me so nervous writing the first blog doesn't bother me quite so much now. And I'm working on sharing my other writing too, letting go enough to let others 'proof read' for me. This is because if writing becomes a serious vocation for me there is absolutely no value to being scared of putting it all out there.

I'm finding that in a weird twisted way it's like having a baby. A writing baby if you will. Once you've been in hospital giving birth and you've had a conveyer belt of staff looking at your nether regions you almost get to the point of "who's looking at my bits today? Have you seen them yet? Let's have a look then". Getting (letting) people to read my work has been a bit like that.

My bravest moment was getting my closest non uni friend to read my work. I was so scared, I put it off for weeks- then I ripped of the bandaid and asked her to take a look. "Read this for a laugh" I said jokingly, but I secretly wanted her to like it at least a little bit. And she's features in some posts as well, which made it more nerve wracking. Thank god she was nice about it ;)

So, I am hoping to turn this into "Hi, I'm Sarah.  Would you like to see what I am working on right now?"