Wait, no overthinking?

Well, I'll be! I actually had a full weekend of no overthinking, I trust myself, I can do stuff thinking!

The liberation!

I spent the weekend at the Bendigo  Writers Festival, an amazing weekend of learning from talented successful people. And would you believe that I felt at home? Huh!

I am still buzzing from the advice, excitement, the learning and ideas. I felt like I had tapped into this piece of myself that I had forgotten was there.  I know it was always there because I recognised it like an old friend when I saw and felt it.

I had a number of moments of clarity, and an idea that formed. This idea is like the seed of a tree, only I don't know how large this tree will grow. I do know that the seed has been there for many years, and now the conditions are just right and it has germinated. In fact I can actually see it growing, poking up through the organic earth.  This seed wants to grow and grow, and I need to feed it. 

I can't wait to watch my tree grow, to see its beautiful form, it's textures and the sounds it makes, to see how large it grows, what the canopy looks like, whether it will have dappled light come through it, or be open to allow the full blazing sun.

My idea is already more than an idea, it is a being. It is. 

Photo: Sarah Fallon

When opportunity knocks...

That is the time for me to go into overdrive on the overthinking meltdowns.  Recently I was given the opportunity to get ahead in writing for a subject, which would be used by a festival for promotion on blogs and the like.  Exciting.  So off I went to arrange interviews for this writing.. And they all fell through.  I was a little frustrated, thinking that my opportunity to write, and contribute, was lost.

Then, the call came through, they've been busy, but they still want me, so hey girl, come to a meeting meet ALL the people, write an article.  For the local paper.  What an opportunity!  Write a real life article for real life print.  That people actually read.  This was even better than the original plan.  Sometimes things just work out, right?

So of course, the initial excitement wears off and I am left with the feelings.  Of doubt, of fear, of total freaking out.   Oh seriously, I have some stupid issues.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful and still excited about this opportunity.  I will channel all these feelings, front up to this meeting and take it all in, and attempt to write the hell out of this article.  If people are going to be really seeing this little baby in their hands then I need to step up.  After all, how often does this kind of opportunity just fall into your lap?  People work their bums off for years to get published.

I'll let you know how I go, no doubt there is some more overthinking to be done twixt now and then, in the meantime this is my blog for the Bendigo Writers Festival that all this fuss is about, so check that out too. 

Falling into place

If there is one big lesson I have learnt as I age is that sometimes the pieces just fall into place. And sometimes your place changes, which is okay too. I am talking of that moment when you realise the here and now is exactly where you need to be, everything feels just right. I am experiencing that now and it feels fantastic. I love how, even though the here and now still has challenges, it still feels like it's right. 

I have been in the place where nothing seems to go as planned and there is a lingering feeling of...off kilter is probably the best way to describe it. That's the point where we make changes, make those decisions that have been sitting there in the back of your mind, in wait for bravery. For the pieces to fit. 

Sometimes it still doesn't work out, that's okay. I have a saying that you always make the right decision at the time. After all it often leads to the next big change, a decision made that leads to the puzzle working again. 

So if it doesn't feel right take a chance, make those scary decisions and you never know, things just may perfectly fall into place. 

Oh the...haven't we been here before?

Here we go again. Caught myself at it again yesterday. It would seem I cannot help myself.  The overthinking! I received a mark back yesterday for an essay, and it was good.  An A, and I got some fabulous comments back.  "Your critical perspective...has created an excellent essay.  I really enjoyed your piece" amongst other smile inducing comments. I loved it. So what's the problem? It's a 'first world, A grade student' problem. Honestly I felt that the mark didn't reflect the comments. I wanted a higher A. 

What is wrong with me?  I, of course, analysed this all evening, debating on whether I should have it looked at, to chase those couple of extra points...  I had to ask myself "does this, will this, really even matter?"  Well of course no. And yes. It doesn't matter, I have the A, and that's what will show, not the numbers, so it really is enough. I can't help wanting those extra points- I know that I wrote an excellent essay, and I knew that I would get an A as I handed it in, it felt right.

Lightbulb moment.  There it was.  I have gained confidence, belief in myself.  I can write! Better still I can darn well recognise when my work is good, and not so good.  If I take nothing else from this bout, it is that recognition.  I wrote an excellent essay and knew it.  Huh, sounds weird, but going into second year knowing this can only help my writing. And that's worth an imaginary A too.

Procrasti-writing

I read this term this week and it sums up exactly what I do with this blog.  Writing something 'fun' instead of what you are meant to be writing.  I really do wish that I had coined that term, it's a good one!

This morning I had decided to let this blog go - it has served its purpose, there was no need to continue.  Fast forward to this afternoon, and I catch myself in major overthinking mode - and here we are procrasti-writing.

I am writing a "feature article" after interviewing a talented local journalist and author.  I enjoyed talking to her and I feel that I got some great material during the interview, too much really.  Over the last couple of days I have laboured over this article, getting up to the word count today.  In its rough first draft form I shoot it of to my trusty proof readers to see if I am on the right track... Gah!  No angle is the stern reply!  And they are totally right - they put their finger on exactly what I was struggling with.

So here I am reading over what I have written, and what I have to draw from, trying to finalise my angle.  And instead of just getting on with it I am beating myself up with thoughts like "What was I thinking?"  "I can't write" "FOOL!"  Gah!  The overthinking!!

Is this the end?

Well, that's it last class done, the blogging assessment in. So here I have been contemplating what to do with this blog now. Continue? Finish it? It was for a purpose and that is done with. I have enjoyed it though, and I think it's helping with developing a writing style (for this blog at least).

 So what if no one reads it? Well that's not exactly right, because I think I do want people to check in and read a piece of me. Maybe someone will stumble across my little mutterings and musings as a mature age uni student, and find a little relief, or a moment of recognition in their own overthinking process. 

And with any luck I will actually stop overthinking, and move on to those witty blogs I was going on about!

Writing exercise - Speech

In the words of Rick Astley – Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.  Why these words?  Because as first year students we so often are faced with fight or flight.  We are pushed and pulled in so many directions that giving up can seem like the best thing to do.  As a mature age student I don’t only have the pressures from uni, but there’s also the demands of my home life.  Sometimes I want to give up because there are not enough hours in the day.  Sometimes I want to give up because I have 3 x 1500 word essays due in one week, and there is dog hair on the floor, and dishes on the bench, and meals to cook, and lectures to go to.  There ARE things that keep me going though.  I go to my lectures to hear opinions that I may otherwise not be exposed to.  I do my essays, because I have to, but hey, I learn something along the way.  And as for the “at home” side of life - well we, my family, just lower our standards of cleanliness for the 3 months of semester.  Because you know what – each semester is such a short period of time that comes and goes so quickly.  At the end of each of those three months I have learnt something new, and it gives me hope for the future, each subject giving me a new skill or two to add to “future me”, and our “future family”.  It’s for all of us that I never give up, because they are never gonna give up on me.