Oh, I've changed

I have changed.  One of my majors that is.  It was a little confronting, but really not surprising.  I came into uni with the goal of self improvement and upskilling but without any parametres.  That is I had no clear idea of what I really wanted out of it, where I expected to go, what I wanted to do "When I grew up".  I rationalised this by thinking that I was being flexible, because life happens, and having a rigid idea of a career would not serve me well.  I thought that I would maybe apply for public service roles, in a graduate generalist program perhaps.  Not very exciting, or perhaps even realistic.  I needed some more focus.

I have always envied people who have it all together, with a well defined idea of where they want to go in life.  On the flip side, I feel sorry for those people when they don't have flexibility in those thoughts, or are so narrowly focused that they miss out on other opportunites.  Still, I envy that they know what they are doing and how to go about it.  I think fear in part is what holds me back from thinking this way.  Fear of rejection, or not living up to expectations - my own or others.

Anyway, I applied with uni with this flexible idea, and basically chose my major by most interesting subjects.  Sometmimes I would have a giggle to myself that perhaps it was an odd choice of major, a little left of field for my personality.  Those thoughts started to  occupy my headspace- and when I really considered a narrow focus into that field,  I realised that it might not be the best fit.  Not a bad or wrong fit, just not the best.  I am still interested in learning about those subjects, but I don't think that as a career it would be the most successful one.

So here I am.  I have changed.  I am still thinking flexibly, but I have definately got more focus.  I think this is a better fit, and I am already thinking of ways I can make this work - places and people I can go to gain experience, mentoring and the like.

I have changed, and I am excited.

It has come to my attention....

.....That I get very fired up.  About little things.  About big things.  About nothing things sometimes.  I like to call it passion.  I like to debate -  I like to have opinions and views that are a little different, it gives us something to talk about.

Maybe I get too fired up sometimes though, and I will concede that at times I do come on a bit strong.  You know what though - call me out, have a debate, you never know what interesting conversations can develop from a good discussion!

I don't view myself as been in your face passionate about things either, and I am able to keep opinions to myself where it is inappropriate to voice them.  I even try to 'keep a lid on' things, to be not too over the top.

 I just don't see it as a bad thing, and after all a little passion is exciting, right?

More strange numbers.....

I loved that I have come across these memes. This means that I am not so weird -  that I am the only person with this quirk.  This is a true story- I cannot handle having the volume at an uneven number. I dislike it so much that I cannot concentrate on the radio/TV program being broadcast. It is a silly habit, but I really can't control it. I am totally OCD when it comes to volume control! This  blog

 recounts my issues with numbers, and it's a great read.  Thanks Willa for making me sound almost normal!   As an aside, there are also Facebook pages dedicated to this - does this make it more or less normal?

On gender bias

My world was flipped upside down this week.  Maybe that's a little over the top, but I am pretty angry about this.  I haven't really seen myself as a feminist, (certainly not in an extreme bra burning way) but I do hold hopes for equality.  In fact I thought that we were actually doing really quite well in that area as I never felt terribly discriminated against based on being female.  I have never been an "activist" shouting from the rooftops how 'man' has suppressed me.  Then again there are a few little things - the first shared bank account with my now hubby I insisted that they changed they account title with my name first - I was disappointed that it is immediately the mans name that goes first.

That was around 15 years ago.  It seems that this type of discrimination is still rife.  I made a request to a private school for enrolment information with an online form.  My name at the top of the form (as is correct seeing I was the one filling out the form).  I put my hubby's name on form when requested - he after all is a part of all this.  No problem there.  Until I received the information pack.  Addressed to us both (no problem there) with hubby's initial first.  Uh oh.  Problem.  Not okay - in my opinion as I was the one to fill out the form I should have prime status on the address line.  Yes, it kind of is a small issue, but it bugs me all the same.  Anyway, I open the pack, and to my disbelief I am not mentioned at all....It is addressed only to hubby.  Wait, what? 

 I am so disappointed.  It may seem that I am making a big issue and getting angry over a minor thing, and certainly responses to my Facebook post on this issue reflects that.  My issue is if our very language in the male/female arena is flawed, if this is how we are teaching our boys to refer to women, our girls to believe they are inferior then the battle still has so far to go.

Essayitis

Essayitis. 

It's a real thing, and I am sure many uni students would agree here.  It starts somewhere around half way through the semester when the largish assignments all start to come rolling in.  And of course the due dates are usually all grouped around one another.  Symptoms:  over analysing essay questions; over reading source texts for a golden quote; stop-start writing.  May result in procrastination; headaches; denial of said essays.  Cure?  End of semester seems to be the only cure, although actual completion and handing in of assignments does alleviate symptoms.

Perhaps there is a little of dramatisation here, but that's all part of essayitis.

Well, I am approximately 500 words down today, only another thousand to go.  Then edit.  Rinse.  Repeat.

Is that a light I see at the end of the tunnel?

Solidarity, Sistas

Inner peace...Mine was disturbed a number of times over the last week.  It is quite amazing how someone else, or a particular situation can rock you to the very core of who you are, making you question decisions made and putting dents into self confidence. It is equally amazing how we can support someone and give great advice yet not follow that same advice yourself.  This last couple of weeks has had times of rocking (not rocking out unfortunately). 

 

After my disastrous group presentation I was feeling so discouraged, and this was only compounded when one of my 'classmates' added to my humiliation by pointing out to those who were not there that I did a terrible job.  Thanks, mate [insert red face and sweaty palms there!]  I wasn't the only one to have my inner peace disturbed.  I'm lucky to have a lovely bunch of 'sistas' in one of my classes, and in this 'safe place' we traded stories of how we were feeling discouraged.  I told how I was feeling like maybe I had made a not so good decision to study again, then listened to one 'sista', hearing how she didn't have the confidence in her own abilities that I admire so much.  So, as I was talking to my 'sistas' it was comforting to know that I am not the only one who feels discouraged.  We, all of us, at times feel inadequate, not good enough for this uni caper, or perhaps even other aspects of our lives.  I had a moment of 'Solidarity 'sistas', we are the same'! 

 

Then once I thought about it a bit more, however, this moment made me feel a little sad.  Not because we could find solace in shared feelings, but that we fall back to these feelings in the first place.  And that so often it is because somebody else taps into our own negative feelings and brings them to the surface.  I'm also referring to those times where we are self effacing, those "no I really didn't deserve that good mark/compliment/whatever'. 

 

What is going on ladies (and I say ladies as I do not usually see these kinds of attitudes or responses in the blokes)?  What makes us behave this way?  It could be a gender role that we have taken on, and certainly the studying sociologist in me wants to at least partly attribute it to that.  It could be that we succumb to these things for any number of reasons.

 

I don't really have the answer at the moment, but what I do know is that we need to bolster each other up at these moments, so that when something does happen (like somebody else causing us to question our own abilities)  we can say "I have your back 'sista"'.

Oh, the procrastinating

What is it about writing that can set you off on random tangents just to put it off?  Today I have read in preparation of an essay, I have started the essay, hated what I wrote, hung the washing, started reading again, wrote some more, read some more, Facebooked, read some more.  And decided to blog about not being able to write.  Seriously. 

It is one of those essays where I just can't figure out where I want to start, so I have been putting it off for quite a while, and now the dreaded due date is looming large.  Sigh.  The funny thing is I have had some real successes with my writing this semester - I have written essays in a remarkably short amount of time (what took me days and weeks last semester is only taking hours and days), and I'm getting excellent feedback and marks.  So what is the problem this time?  I think it is because this has subjective content, and I am questioning myself on it.  Because that's what I do.

It is ironic that I am choosing to avoid writing an essay, on writing, by writing.  I have some serious writing issues, but I guess that the only way to solve these issues is to stop procrastinating and get writing.