Put an end to violence

Today I took one of my dogs for a bushwalk. Something I have done plenty over the last 15 years is walk my dog alone.

Today was different. Actually not even just today, this feeling of difference has been creeping up for a number of years now.

I feel nervous, anxious, paranoid when I walk alone. The car that drives past - I notice that it's a white early 90's Ford driven by P plater with wild brown hair. The second time it drives past I am looking at the number plate frantically trying to memorise it while placing my finger on the button to call on Siri to phone - my husband, 000, anyone.

Over my life time I have often been alone. In my house, walking to school, work or a friends house, or at work.

Now I have to wonder "Am I safe?", "Do I have an escape plan?"... I shouldn't have to feel this way. I refuse to be victimised by what is happening around the world yet it would seem the reality is that in part I can no longer sit by thinking that the world is not out to get me. I refuse to believe that it is at the same time knowing that maybe I am not safe. Now I have a knowing that I cannot account for the people who do not behave in an expected and civilised manner. People do exist that hurt us, murder us.

Violence against women is nothing new, but it's certainly in the news at the moment. Today we hear, only three and a half months into the year, that around 30 women have already been violently murdered. Women going about their daily lives, as they should, many never imagining the heinous acts that would happen to them that would take their lives.

Stephanie Scott
Jill Meagher
Masa Vukotic
Prabha Arun Kumar

These women are just the high profile ones. There are so many more. Stephanie was just at work, being conscientious and setting up for her replacement while she was on leave for her honeymoon. Masa and Prabha simply walking through a park. Jill walking home from a night home with friends.

I, like so many others, am left feeling helpless. Not that one day I may be murdered by someone unexpected or known, but that there is absolutely no way of knowing who may perpetrate such a crime. No way of knowing when, where or who may strike a fatal blow.

The only thing I can do is try and be prepared. Be alert to danger, have my phone on me and charged. Perhaps most importantly get the word out there that this is unacceptable. I will not stand for this violence to continue.

I have, and will continue, to instill into my son the values that all people should be treated with respect at all times. That violence is unacceptable. To have other peoples backs, to look out for one another. To not force himself onto another. And I will work to recognise that if I have failed, or something sinister should flag my suspicions about him, or anyone, I will speak up. Seek help.

No more violence, no more people injured, made to feel unsafe, lives taken.

Not on my watch.

Credits:
Destroy the Joint
ABC news
Jill Meagher
The Guardian - Rosie Batty's campaign to end violence
 http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/apr/10/daughter-asks-what-is-rape-news-parenting

Why hello there, Writer!

Wow, so it has been a while. Since October in fact.

I think I haven't really felt the urge to blog since then. I certainly never wanted to push a post out, or to feel obliged and just ring it in.

But I'm feeling the urge now. In part it's my old friend procrasti-writing. Writing a blog rather than an essay. It is also more than that though, it's a writing workout because the words aren't coming to me as easy as they have been over the last six months. I need a jolt. Or some tight construing.

It occurs to me as I'm writing this that I am much more comfortable with Uni, and writing in general. I have accepted that sometimes my 'process' means that I sit looking at the screen, do some half hearted exercise or even clean the house. It all forms part of what makes me my time of writer.

I would absolutely love it if the writing came easy every single time but it doesn't. The most startling thing is although I still overthink it I am doing it much less. Or much smarter, with more understanding.

What a great place to be. Which in itself is a good thing. I have been applying for jobs for next year. (Eek, I hope to graduate this year, one semester early!) I'm starting to feel work ready, and I understand that even being work ready I'm still in the learning role. 

Being in the learning role is AMAZING, and exciting. It means that I'm still growing, gaining skill, getting better.

I can't wait.

The art of bargaining

Right now I am deep in essay writing territory.  For the last few weeks of semester I've been tallying the amount of words I need to write, the huge number that tells where I am at greater than saying 5 assignments.....four assignments....

More like 6500 words...5500 words....

At one point I was convinced I was going to have to ask for an extension on at least one essay.  I had two weeks and 6500 words to go.  With research.  Not possible.

More recalculating.  Then I figured it out.  I could do this.  I had plenty of time.  Then Boom!  Bam! Two assignments down, 2500 words spent, two essays to go at 3000 words total.  I've got this!

And then the research.  Then writing.  I told myself - 400 words a day, that's a great amount, leaves me plenty of time to polish and edit.  First day I wrote 300ish. 

So began the bargaining.  If I do this today, then tomorrow....still plenty of time...no time...calm down, plenty of time....

Of course what has actually happened is I spend so much time thinking about what I need to do, i.e. the number of words I need to write down, it blocks my concentration, making the research not sink in.  Cue more bargaining.

But I still have enough time.  6 days.  Two assignments.  2000 words.  We can do this, brain.  Calm down.

Labels

Labels. We sure like labels. You know what I mean? What we call ourselves and each other. I am a wife, a mother,  a student and a bucket load of other things. I am all of them, yet I am none of them. Why? Because they are just words, and words may label me but they don't define me. There aren't enough words and phrases to just sum me up in a nice neat little package. 

There is an amount of weight behind these labels, a value that we place on them. Being a mother is one thing, then there are stay at home mums and working mums. Each of these things has a different weight. They are valued differently depending on who you are talking to, the situation you are in. 

Why do we label?  In a way it helps us organise our little world, and that's not always a bad thing. It becomes a bad thing when we value labels differently, or less than we should. You're a stay at home mum? Don't you care about yourself/house/family enough to work? You're a working mum? Don't you car about you family/kids/house enough and stay at home to do everything?

See what I mean?

In the end the label doesn't really matter. We are all of the labels and none of the labels. Not words but people, and all of it counts.

All worked up

I've been feeling pretty worked up over the last week- I have essay deadlines looming and a brain that didn't really want to be productive. 

The bare minimum got me through without feeling like I'd done nothing, but left me feeling uneasy. So I calculated. I figured out an estimation of time for each essay, how many days left minus my lectures and I felt better. 

That was until I didn't. Feel better that is- I woke up two days ago with a cold. Gah! Amazingly day one and two were quite productive thanks to the reading is done last week (maybe it wasn't really bare minimum after all?) but today has been a big fat wipeout. No work was done due to feeling really crappy. 

So no the pressure is really on, but it leaves me with the question- which is better for my mental well being? 1) letting myself be sick in order to recuperate quicker, then work my fingers to the bone and my brain to breaking point to get an A. 2) work while sick so I don't feel 'behind' 3) be sick, and get what I can done, and if the mark is less than usual accept it and move on. 

I have no idea, but it is what it is- I like to get good marks...but...well I'll be okay either way, won't I?!

Wait, no overthinking?

Well, I'll be! I actually had a full weekend of no overthinking, I trust myself, I can do stuff thinking!

The liberation!

I spent the weekend at the Bendigo  Writers Festival, an amazing weekend of learning from talented successful people. And would you believe that I felt at home? Huh!

I am still buzzing from the advice, excitement, the learning and ideas. I felt like I had tapped into this piece of myself that I had forgotten was there.  I know it was always there because I recognised it like an old friend when I saw and felt it.

I had a number of moments of clarity, and an idea that formed. This idea is like the seed of a tree, only I don't know how large this tree will grow. I do know that the seed has been there for many years, and now the conditions are just right and it has germinated. In fact I can actually see it growing, poking up through the organic earth.  This seed wants to grow and grow, and I need to feed it. 

I can't wait to watch my tree grow, to see its beautiful form, it's textures and the sounds it makes, to see how large it grows, what the canopy looks like, whether it will have dappled light come through it, or be open to allow the full blazing sun.

My idea is already more than an idea, it is a being. It is. 

Photo: Sarah Fallon

When opportunity knocks...

That is the time for me to go into overdrive on the overthinking meltdowns.  Recently I was given the opportunity to get ahead in writing for a subject, which would be used by a festival for promotion on blogs and the like.  Exciting.  So off I went to arrange interviews for this writing.. And they all fell through.  I was a little frustrated, thinking that my opportunity to write, and contribute, was lost.

Then, the call came through, they've been busy, but they still want me, so hey girl, come to a meeting meet ALL the people, write an article.  For the local paper.  What an opportunity!  Write a real life article for real life print.  That people actually read.  This was even better than the original plan.  Sometimes things just work out, right?

So of course, the initial excitement wears off and I am left with the feelings.  Of doubt, of fear, of total freaking out.   Oh seriously, I have some stupid issues.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful and still excited about this opportunity.  I will channel all these feelings, front up to this meeting and take it all in, and attempt to write the hell out of this article.  If people are going to be really seeing this little baby in their hands then I need to step up.  After all, how often does this kind of opportunity just fall into your lap?  People work their bums off for years to get published.

I'll let you know how I go, no doubt there is some more overthinking to be done twixt now and then, in the meantime this is my blog for the Bendigo Writers Festival that all this fuss is about, so check that out too.