Insomnia and the machine

So I completed two short essays over the weekend, handed them in Monday. Tuesday was the day for one of them to be returned. (Let's take a moment here to say "Bravo" to that busy lecturer for the fast turnaround!). I sit in class, maybe a little nervously as he starts to talk about the essays.  Said lecturer starts to pull out quotes from the essays.  They were good.  I mean really good.  Some of my classmates had captured some nuances that I hadn't even thought of.  Mine didn't get looked at.  So I sat there, and my palms began to sweat. Hell my FEET began to sweat.  He said he marked generously, the lowest was only a 7 out of 10, and that next time it would probably actually mean a 5. I was convinced- I was crap, I shouldn't be in this class, wasting his time and my time.  I had a 7- well should I really just call it a 5?

Finally he calls us one by one to return this darn essay, mine was near to top of the pile, and hesitantly I look while others have theirs returned.  First paragraph, no tick. Crap, missed the mark there, stupid intro, not what he wanted.  Next paragraph, a tick. Phew, it was okay. Third- two large ticks. Yes! Final paragraph, two more ticks! Okay, not too bad, I can live with this....this....oh my goodness, I got 9/10!  'Very well written'. Oh the relief! That feels good! 

Then, class is dismissed, I text a beautiful supportive uni friend who understands how my mind works.  We have a couple of jokes and get some wonderful encouragement.  Then the drive home.  I sit in there car analysing everything.  Is my nine really a seven? Very well written is not exceptionally well written. It's not at the top, so that means it's not really that good.  No, it's a nine and a very well written! That is a clear A! Take it woman!  And so the thoughts go round and round. Oh dear! Will I ever learn?

So then I spend a chunk of the evening telling myself off.

Oh, and checking my blog, haha.  Thrilled and a little scared to find that some classmates have started to follow me, and that I have some wonderful comments (thanks guys).  Here is where the insomnia kicks in. All this took me to the moment where I look at the clock and realise that it is 11pm.  I am an old lady(ish), way past my bedtime, so I quickly hop into bed.

Only to find that my mind is still racing, about what blogs I could write.  Gah!